Under Reconstruction (Round Three)

Round Two began about six months ago. The fog of a long depressive episode was beginning to dissipate, and my mind and soul glimpsed a new horizon. At the time, I wrote the following:

I wish it was as easy as “picking up where I left off”. But the damage and hurt I have inflicted on myself and the people who love me are all very real. There’s a lot of rubble to sift through, a lot of re-examination, mending, and rebuilding to be done. With God’s grace and guidance I will find healing. Not just restoration, but transformation. I have faith. I am reminded once again of why I named this blog “Under Reconstruction”. From this point on I will let God rebuild me, my life, and my relationships in whatever way He deems best. My Creator knows best.

In the months that have gone by, I have learned and grown a lot — this blog catalogs that journey — so I didn’t think there’d be a Round Three. Yet here I am! The above words are eerily relevant. Except this time, I’m emerging not from a depressive episode, but a hypomanic episode. If being depressed meant being in darkness, being hypomanic meant playing with fire. The initial spark was very much welcomed. A spike in energy was nice, a boost of creativity was fun, a healthy self-esteem was thrilling… But I made the mistake of not watching the flames, and I allowed them to get too big. I was enraptured, hypnotized by an illusion of grandiosity and invincibility. I made mistake after mistake, I got burned, but what I regret most is that the people closest to me got burned as well.

But I know there is mercy and healing to be found in Christ. For my mind and my soul, for those I’ve hurt, for the relationships I’ve damaged. That I know full well. It will take time, but a broken spirit and a contrite heart He will not refuse.

And this time I’m learning that I’m never “done”. There is always more to learn. More weaknesses to be unearthed and weeded out. More calls to repentance. More forgiveness to seek and grant. And in every fall is a reminder of my weak, sinful nature, and a call to continually surrender my will to the Eternal and Unchanging. And always, always a call to love better, serve better, sacrifice better.

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“Surely, I wait for the Lord; who bends down to me and hears my cry, draws me up from the pit of destruction, out of the muddy clay, sets my feet upon rock, steadied my steps, and puts a new song in my mouth, a hymn to our God.” (Ps 40:2-4)

I may not be writing as much as I attempt to sort things out internally. But you’ll probably see more doodles — where words fail me, I’ll let them fill the void. Thank you, again, for accompanying me on this never-ending journey! Peace be with you. 🙂

“I’ll be back! I always come back!” (That’s a quote from Bride of Chucky, but no, that’s not relevant.)

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Among the “great cloud of witnesses” are Chinese saints

Any serious Christian would be familiar with the following Scriptural exhortation:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us rid ourselves of every burden and sin that clings to us and persevere in running the race that lies before us while keeping our eyes fixed on Jesus, the leader and perfecter of faith. For the sake of the joy that lay before him he endured the cross, despising its shame, and has taken his seat at the right of the throne of God.

–Apostle Paul (Hebrews 12:1-2)

And when we imagine this “cloud of witnesses”, we probably imagine something like:

all-saints

There’s nothing bad about the above image. In fact, it’s inspiring, and it also challenges the popular notion that the Church only honors and canonizes men… But missing for many years from my religious imagination were saints who share my ethnic identity, and images like the one above aren’t very helpful.

I am ethnically Chinese, and I am a Christian (agnostic-turned-Protestant-turned-Catholic, to be specific). For someone who once struggled to integrate these seemingly disparate identities, today was a special, symbolic day. Today marks the first day of the Chinese New Year, the year of the goat, and it also happens to be the feast day of a Chinese Catholic saint. St. Lucy Yi Zhenmei is a Chinese Roman Catholic saint from Sichuan, China. The schoolteacher was sentenced to death in the 1862 for her refusal to renounce her faith. She, along with 119 other Chinese Christians — all martyred for their ministry and faith — was canonized by Pope John Paul II in 2000. “Today’s celebration is not the appropriate time to pass judgement on those historical periods:  this can and should be done elsewhere. Today, with this solemn proclamation of holiness, the Church intends merely to recognize that those martyrs are an example of courage and consistency to us all, and that they honour the noble Chinese people,” he said during his homily at the canonization.

It’s at once exhilarating, humbling, and encouraging  to to know that there are many faithful, heroic Chinese brothers and sisters among the “great cloud of witnesses”. My favorite part of Chinese New Year has always been gathering and feasting with extended family — and as I journey deeper and deeper into the richness of the Catholic faith, I rejoice that my family gets larger and larger with the communion of the saints!

chinesemartyrschernyak Today, Christians in China continue to face non-violent forms of oppression and repression. But it looks like there’s no stopping the spread of the Good News! As of 2010, there were reportedly 68 million Christians in China. And experts say China is on track to become the largest Christian population in the world by 2030… My heart swells with joy as I contemplate seeing multitudes of Chinese faces in heaven! 😉 ?????? chinese catholics 新年快乐!平安与你同在! 🙂 To catch a glimpse of my other travails in grasping the universality of the Church, read (and see) how art has helped me.

21 Egyptian Christians Beheaded: the persecuted and the persecutors

Below is a screen grab from a video footage released by ISIL yesterday. Surely by no coincidence, they picked to announce (and showcase) the brutal beheading of 21 Egyptian Christians on a Sunday, the Lord’s Day. Superimposed on the image is a verse from Revelations 20, a powerful symbolic redemption of an image meant to terrorize and paralyze. I have faith that all the angels and saints have welcomed these 21 souls, as well as all the other faithful martyrs, into the full presence of God’s love in heaven. Hope does not put us to shame.

isilIn the video, one of the murderers declare, “We will conquer Rome, by Allah’s permission.” Little do they know that the ultimate victory has long been secured, and it will belong to Christ. Hope does not put us to shame.

This has been a very stern reminder that Christian persecution, though far less felt in our part of the world, is very real. Let us pray that God would grant us the grace to have faiths as strong as those of these martyrs, and the courage to profess, defend, and live out our faiths wherever we go. And let us also pray for the intercession of these faithful brothers in Christ who are now part of the “great cloud of witnesses” (Hebrews 12:1) that surrounds us.

And last but not least, join me in praying for the people responsible for all this savagery, that they may repent and be awakened to God’s goodness and truths. They, too, were created and are loved by Christ who cries, “Father, forgive them; for they do not know what they are doing.”


ISIL Jesus Beach(Anybody knows who did this painting?)

Epiphany: all you need is my “amen”

I created this piece while contemplating the meaning of Epiphany, a Christian feast day that celebrates the manifestation of Jesus as the long-awaited Messiah of Israel, the only Son of God, and Savior of the world. The feast commemorates primarily the visit of the Magi to baby Jesus, marking His first physical manifestation to the gentiles, of which I am one.

It is recorded that the Magi brought with them gold, frankincense, and myrrh, and laid their gifts before the Child in the manger. These were expensive gifts brought by kings from faraway, and I thought about how, some thirty years later, Jesus would also accept the humble offering of five loaves and two fishes, and miraculously used it to feed thousands of hungry people.

“All He Needs Is My Amen” by Karen Zainal

I don’t have much to present before my King. But He works miracles, and all He needs is my “amen.” As the Blessed Virgin Mary once said in humble and faithful obedience:

Let it be done to me according to your word. (Luke 1:38)

One thing I’ve learned about friendships and difficult times

“Often love is offered to you, but you do not recognize it. You discard it because you’re fixed on the same person to whom you gave it.”

–Henri Nouwen

Doodled by Karen Zainal
Doodled by Karen Zainal

I thank God for the troll, the coconut trees, and the sludge monsters in my life. 🙂

P.S. I’ll start writing proper, full-length posts again soon…

The importance of non-European Christian imagery

I recently began creating non-traditional depictions of the Blessed Virgin Mary and Baby Jesus. And by “non-traditional”, I mean non-European. Below is an Indian and Japanese depiction respectively. I got plenty of inspiration from images I saw online, and then added my own spin. Both are hand-drawn with Micron pens.

“Madonna and Child as Indians”
“Madonna and Child as Japanese”

Just to be clear, I’m not creating these alternative cultural depictions to be gimmicky.

I have a deep, personal appreciation for such images because they have helped me better grasp the universality of our God and His plan for mankind. I am ethnically Chinese and grew up in Muslim-majority Indonesia. For years, I was subconsciously frustrated and estranged by singularly European depictions of Christian figures.

As my friend Christopher wisely said, it was healthy for Europeans to try to depict religious figures in terms familiar to their culture, but unfortunate that imperialism forced those depictions on the rest of the world.

I’m hoping to work on Chinese and Indonesian versions next, because of these cultures’ special closeness to my own heritage and identity. If you have any suggestions on other cultures you would like to see (some great suggestions I’ve received are Mongolian and Maori), do let me know!

I hope these images will be a blessing to your journey as they have been to my own. Have a wonderful Advent! 🙂

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The Zainals wish you a most blessed Advent!