Under Reconstruction (Round Two)

It’s been eight months since I last wrote here. I’m starting to crawl out of another major depressive episode. If I remember correctly, the last time this happened it also took me about eight months before I began to find the will, courage, and ability to open myself up to other people again. I wish it was as easy as “picking up where I left off”. But the damage and hurt I have inflicted on myself and the people who love me are all very real. There’s a lot of rubble to sift through, a lot of re-examination, mending, and rebuilding to be done. With God’s grace and guidance I will find healing. Not just restoration, but transformation. I have faith. I am reminded once again of why I named this blog “Under Reconstruction”. From this point on I will let God rebuild me, my life, and my relationships in whatever way He deems best. My Creator knows best.

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22 thoughts on “Under Reconstruction (Round Two)”

  1. Karen, you’d be surprised with the amount of forgiveness you can seek. With this, the pile of rubble really isn’t so large. Let’s reconnect. – Lindsey

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  2. Karen, you and your wisdom have been missed, even if it is just in cyberspace. I want to write something meaningful and encouraging, yet it feels like only platitudes and cliches want to come out of my fingertips on the keyboard.
    Honestly, with all that I have been through, the type of depression you have been dealing with has not been part of it. But we do share the fact that we are works in progress, wanting so much for the Lord to complete the good work He has begun in us. Today is like the 9,250th time He has had to start over with me, corresponding approximately to the number of days I have been saved. The best I can do during my morning devotional is to pray, Lord, help me to keep my eyes on you more, walk according to Your will more, help me to use the shield of faith better to quench the fiery darts of the evil one and to use the Sword of the Spirit (the Word of God) to discern between what is good and what is evil. And tomorrow morning I will cry over where I fell short and the Lord will comfort me and we will begin our faith journey again one more day.
    Lois

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    1. Dear Lois,

      Thank you so very much for your encouraging words. Indeed we are all works in progress. I can truly identify with your disappointment in falling time and again. I had emerged from my previous cycle of depression confident that I would never again rely on anything/anyone other than God, and yet that resolve didn’t last very long at all, and I soon turned to my idolatrous ways. Not to mention nearly losing my faith completely when depression struck back. I currently still can’t help but beat myself up over “wasting” all that time where I could have been growing, yet I’m learning that my cruelty toward myself keeps me from drawing near to God and receiving His forgiveness. I pray that while we strengthen our resolve to purge ourselves of worldly things, that we would also forgive ourselves should we stumble again, because God forgives us.

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      1. “Not to mention nearly losing my faith completely when depression struck back. I currently still can’t help but beat myself up over “wasting” all that time where I could have been growing, yet I’m learning that my cruelty toward myself keeps me from drawing near to God…”

        I could have written those words, Karen. I’m still in the grips of major depression and have been for a long, long time. But I’m just now running (no… crawling, inch by inch) back to my Savior. My faith grew more than weary as I took my eyes off of Him, too ashamed of what I’d become. But He is my Redeemer. Our Redeemer. Blessings, Hope

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      2. These words speak sooooo much to me. So true. I am in that battle between ego and spirit. The ego seeks things of this world and I know I don’t want to be operating from that place. I want to operate from my highest self-spirit.

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  3. With as many connections to humanity you may lose, there are always new connections to be made. You may see rubble now, but if you look carefully you may find that you have a new set of building blocks to work with!

    The idea of God isn’t even necessary, but if it’s what helps you get through, all the power to you. Wishing you all the best!

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  4. I know I don’t actually know you, but I’m glad to hear that you’re seeking your help from the Lord. If you ever need to chat, though, I’ve got my info posted on my blog. Much prayer and peace to you. 🙂

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  5. Hang in there, Karen. I’m glad to see you back! You’re generous to share your journey. There are all kinds of journeys going on and we’re all traveling together. Thanks & peace to you.

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  6. Inspirational. I shared your blog on my instagram. We are a Christian non profit assisting those battling mental illnesses and those who support them. We are Homagi. Feel free to follow us on Twitter, Instagram and Facebook. @Homagi.one

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  7. I’m not sure I’ve experienced what you describe. But when I’ve been depressed, I tried to identify the reason for it – the root of it that is often found underlying the superficial reason. It sometimes took time and concentration.
    The root for me ranged from poor health to feelings of uselessness. Sometimes just identifying it made it go away. Other times, I had to ask God how I should think or feel about things instead. Then I had to apply that advice.
    Most importantly – never ever ever ever ever give up! If you give up you are sure to fail. But if you persevere you will succeed! God is rooting for you!

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  8. As someone who has been pulled out of my own OCD episodes by God’s grace, I can safely tell you it gets better. He will teach you how to forgive yourself and how to know you are forgiven. He will remind you that you are loved and that He personally bought you at an inexplicably great price. As you come to realize more and more how vast God’s love is, it will be more therapeutic for you than all the counseling in the world.

    I pray that God heals you and makes yours another story of great transformation.

    God bless and all the best,
    – Ada, Your Sister in Christ

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  9. Upon reading what you have writte. Here, it almost brings tears to my eyes because despite your lows, you still believe and have hope and faith. Suffering from (hopefully soon to be diagnosed and treated) depression myself, and being in the center of one of my lows…this makes me hopeful. Everyday is a struggle and when I see you acknowledge that it can get better, it makes me believe there will be a better time for me then right now.

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